I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
