I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
