Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
