the condom got lost in my hair
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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