When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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