I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
