Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
