my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
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