she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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