My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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