im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
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