Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
