my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
