I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
