I'll bet she douches with gravy.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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