my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
