The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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