Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
