Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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