Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize