remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
