I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I should be sponsored by Trojan
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Just puked most of my soul out..
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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