i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
