lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
