just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
