I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
