What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
