tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize