just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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