my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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