From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
