I just cut my nipple shaving
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
