When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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