im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
