she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
