I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
