the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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