I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
