I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
