I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
