if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
