Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
cat food counts as protein by the way
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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