just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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