i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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