Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
