Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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