i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
