I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize