Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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