my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize