omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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