One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
