Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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