We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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