she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
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