Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
