I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
