wrigley field is MILF paradise
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
