i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
