My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
