i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
