Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
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